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Mi historia de amor, el sueño de un bobo que duerme.

Parece que nos odiamos, ¿tú qué sientes?

Sabes mi dolor, lo sabes,

¿por qué me mientes?

Y serás mi sombra,

y serás mi sombra.

Pero si no fui suficiente,

yo me quedo a un lado.

Sacarte de mi mente es imposible,

y tú sigues tan guapa, el tiempo pasa lento.

Sé que no fui valiente.

Pienso si se cumplirá de nuevo este dolor,

mi pobre corazón.

Y sin tu mirar, me quedo sin razón,

una desilusión”.

An old fella looked at me as we all jostled for a place in the queue and said: “You are obviously in a hurry, I am old so have time to spare, therefore please go ahead.

I bowed to the logic in what his subtext was saying and stepped back, letting him on first

eu sou uma semente seca
sou um eterno eclipse
uma âncora num poema
eu sou o desgaste das teclas
sou a luz branca que inunda as selvas

sou o ar, ríspido e insuficiente

dentro de uma sacola plástica

que desfaz a sua mente
a vida passou e eu não percebi
não fui nada, não fiz nada, não amei ninguém
não tirei fotos, não provei corpos, não bebi vinho
não me importei em existir
eu fui o vazio e foi dele que sobrevivi

é rápido fazer qualquer coisa, é simples seguir imperfeito

não há mais nada que eu faça sozinho

não há mais nada que eu faça sozinho, depois de vocês

enlatados, formatadas, planejados, programados pro sistema

já não há grito, já não há sangue, já não vale a pena

agrade a máquina, afague a máquina

afogue a mágoa, apague a chama

escape, engasgue, engaje

Today I recorded a song! It’s not very good- my vocals need work (or warm ups) and I need to project more, and I should write a song before going adlib- but it sounded so professional and good (aside from the vocals).

I also recorded a podcast episode!

I’m gonna post it somewhere. And make an LLC 😄

I now feel like Eric did. Maybe I am a MUSE. Now I can a-MUSE myself!

And one day a month a museum.

I feel so lame. Everyone else did a billion things. Bars every night, sports games once a week, concerts, camping, travel, hiking, road trips, gym, etc

And I’m a couch 🥔

My laptop is a fucking mess. My email ran out of space. I need to xfer everything to a new account. I need to finesse my calendar. I need to get my finances in order, maybe via nerdwallet.

Fuck. I lost my life. One wrong turn early on. Compounds so badly. I didnt know about opportunity cost.

My life was lined up perfectly and I blew it.

I’m not using toothpaste or mouthwash. Just hot water and salt. I have bad inflammation and gingevitis. I’m still young so it’s not that bad. But mouthwash kills my good bacteria and drys my mouth and makes it worse. And non alcoholic mouthwash doesn’t feel clean either.

Toothpaste tastes bad.

Idk I don’t like the flavors of any of it and it’s so off-putting. And complicated.

Warm salt water feels good though. 😄 And it’s super gentle.

🙂

After my gums are less inflamed I’ll work on teeth whitening agents. But for now, just peace. 🙂

Eat healthier (again). I put on 40 lbs in the past year. Today I ate healthy, but a bit too much and so now I am tired. Also canned tuna literally has mercury poison. WTF.

Make money. Idk how. I was gonna get a second job, but maybe I’m too irresponsible. I’ll just volunteer there for free. I don’t want to work 7 days a week.

Continuing education. I was learning a course once a week online but I lost momentum. Dangnabbit. Why am I so bad at my extra curriculars?

I renovated the basement, so that’s good. Took me a year and was difficult but I did it. I also got a job. I have a business idea. I have a good relationship at home more or less now. I have a dog. I know my diet.

Just gotta exercise, eat better, hygiene, edu, money, partner, house, volunteer, etc.

Ugh.

🫨😫

What is 15 minutes from me? :'(. I wish I had a park near me, at least. It’s like a 30 minute walk. And scary.

What is NEAR ME???

Oh the movies. Maybe I’ll watch a movie today. I’m depressed- there’s nothing to do. 🙁 😭

I want to open a business. I’m just tired. I do a lot of unpaid work. Always have. I suppose it’s called a hobby.

I’m exhausted. I’m in a much better place than a few years ago. Definitively. Because I have a job. A real job.

I mean sure it doesn’t pay medical insurance or have benefits. But I’m remote. And I work as many hours as I want. Where I want. How I want.

And I like the people.

I’m tired.

I love my basement apartment. Is it perfect? No. Not at all. But it is pretty functional.

I saw my friend and I got so jealous. He’s in miracle weather right now. I’m exhausted. Fat. And I don’t go out. What’s my excuse, hm?

I wish I had a beach within walking distance. That was so freaking nice.

I guess I could always go to Rockaway

I guess you get what you give. More or less.

But anyway- I got a TENNIS outfit! A DREAM COME TRUE. It was only $16 TT^TT I’ve wanted this for DECADES.

I put on some makeup (for me) at night where no one can see. And I look pretty. One eye is bigger than the other and I look a bit insane o.O But I suppose defects just happen. I looked through my pictures and I had this issue in my graduation picture. Maybe I lost my mind then?

When I was a kid I looked sharp! I miss me immensely. Well, life goes on!

I have a little doggo that gives me so much joy. I hope one day to have my bat mitzvah.

I learned how to read the Hebrew alphabet a bit ago. Not perfectly- I get some mixed up. But it’s something! I actually surprise myself by how much I can read! Especially if the words are borrowed from English like “podcast” פודכאסת it’s also nice that the keyboard kind of automatically matches the English QWERTY.

I also did some exercises. I’m so fat I look pregnant TT^TT It’s just hanging there. But I did some Russian crunches. And that was a fantastic stretch!

Today I told my mom of the “work” I got done. A pet project of mine was renovating my parents basement into an apartment. Maybe it’s pathetic that I’m living at home at my age. Maybe not! My cousin lives with his mom and he’s older. I met people many years older than me still living with their mom.

In any case, I do want to move out. I have several times. But I…

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In any case- I’m absolutely exhausted. But yeah, I keep counting time. Tick tock. Always did. Being from NYC time is money. NY minute. Deadline. Recess. Biological clock.

Time keeps on ticking’ ticking’ ticking’ into the future….

Fly like an EAGLE to the sky.

That’s a much more inspiring song than the one I originally had in mind. The other one is woke. I am so tired of woke. I just want to be awake. Woke is retarded.

In any case- (gosh I say that a lot). In judaism there’s a concept of Kaballah which apparently means RECEIPT. Nowadays people use that term as a bleh.

And then there’s the whole issue of privacy and respect. And confidence and confidentiality. Totally out the window it seems.

Makes me almost hate people. I just feel absolutely betrayed by society over the past 2 decades. maybe I betrayed myself. But I don’t think so. It just happened the way it did. I am so upset.

WHYWHYWHYWHY

I used to be so confident. I didn’t shower or brush my teeth or dress nicely. My friends said my hair was shit. But I didn’t give a damn. I knew who I was. I was proud of who I was. All of that was surface level, but I knew my accomplishments and I knew what I liked and I respected my soul and that was enough.

Nowadays? My soul feels in tatters. I am not being honest with myself in how I live. I have let myself waste to see if people care or if they’re right or if I’m right and it’s just- I’m…

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a MUST feature for any social media platform should be the ability to create lists and separate your followings

that’s the purpose of this account, focused on digital archiving and collective ways to get out of this mess

Bom, a novidade é que consegui, depois de muito custo, publicar o TCC que escrevi sobre a Biblioteca Raimundo de Menezes em uma revista acadêmica de História (Universidade Estadual de Goiás).

Já tive a oportunidade de escrever livros e textos diversos, mas um acadêmico, confesso, fiquei abismada.

Segue link e espero que gostem: https://www.revista.ueg.br/index.php/revistahistoria/pt_BR/article/view/16988

Bom, agora só falta receber essa titulação de especialista, o curso tá enrolando… (se conseguir, atualizo o post).

Ah, e o que ando fazendo por aí pode ser acessado no blog: https://keliv1.tumblr.com/

Sucesso para nós e que venham mais posts legais para fazer por aqui!

Tô até agora com esse sentimento de raiva, estresse, emoções alteradas e tentando compreender toda essa revolta dentro de mim. Mas, de uma maneira diferente, olhando pela ótica: tenho me observado bem, feliz, mas, me observado estressado, e com raiva, não.

Talvez não seja estresse em si, mas só o sentmiento de emoções alteradas, visto que eu ando bem reflexivo em relação a sentimentos amorosos… Fora toda a minha meditação a respeito da minha próxima fase de vida, que é querer morar sozinho, para amadurecer mais na vida, ter mais controle de mim mesmo e minha vida financeira… Pensei nisso já antes de todo esse caso. E me veio agora novamente enquanto escrevo isso.

Quero ver como termino esse dia… Mas o desejo é que ele comece novamente, com uma nova chance para recomeçar, mas isso é impossível. Bem-vindo a realidade! O que eu posso fazer é ir para um próximo dia, repetir tudo e fazer diferente. Sem angústias, solidões e ansiedades desnecessárias…

O dia é para ser vivido e apreciado, não apedrejado.

(handed to me as a scruffy paperback when I was maybe 12 years old)

07/01/02026
(I’ve missed a couple of intended sharing times, I think)